monologue w shreeya

Its october, a season where the cold air hugs my body the smell of festive is on the air but so is this heavy feeling that I embody which seems to me a pretty unfair i come from a simple humble background with a vision just to be somebody but how this book of fortune has guided me to fall everytime i wake and the pain would not stop wrenching my chest it has cut deeper on anatomy to posterior of my walls that now i have lost my sense i hate absolutely hate to write my griefs and falls cause hate lenses of sympathy on me i am not raised to be this weak protagonist i know i will be this rising character and stop objectfying for some baseless shit but yes people its season of fall and perhaps the universe naturally wants me to ease in counting my microgratification my little family who shower a ton of love and friends who make me feel home and a goal to rise up and show up while falling in the season of fall  cause thats how trajectory make sense  to rise yes you have to first fa...

recently i suffered from any basic common cold and it has been a long while that i had medicine. I had forgotten the taste of the cough syrup and it was unusually bitter and a lot metallic that i still feel anorexic and i absolutely hate it. I isolated my body completely and slept for like straight around 20 hours because my body went so fatigue, i had lost my sense of mobility, i thought my lung was already filled with water and it would collapse at any time. At these times i feel the distance with my mom longer than it seemed to be, like her presence is the warmth that fuels me to stand straight but when you do not have them by your side it just awares me to recover soon as no one is saving my ass and i should get to work. So, its a hefty reminder as being the one in the bed then being at the side of the bed, the roles reversed and i feel like i should be caring enough to serve them that heals them easily with compassion (very debatable tho) and just buckle up and mould myself in a f...

Characters that stayed with me. I watched a movie 'The pianist' falling under genre war/drama and was so thrilled by the main lead, Adrien Brody, who gave his whole soul to the character, depicting it so well. As an audience even now, while reminiscing the scenes, it makes me elated. Not giving out any spoilers but at the end, the walk of returning after years of mental trauma was so captivating. Next stop of cinema is 'Queen', a Bollywood film, full of comedy and real-life happenings, the character Rani potrayed by Kangana Ranaut and the details associated with her from her rollercoaster ride to the ride of liberty is a must watch for me. 'Bulbbul' also an Indian cinema, I guess a little underrated movie under the genre of horror/thriller was a wonderful pick. The transition of various social happenings to destructing unpleasant norms by the main lead 'Bulbbul' depicted by Tripti Dmitri was a bliss to witness.Other exceptionally remarkable add ons are T...

trash the monologue and disappear travel miles away from the desire the story of the avoidant summer not claiming the identity of Jo the local writer cause penning down shall cast my beliefs my unheard opinions but also my griefs that I try to hide out in pack of these words but you smart and sharp to hear out loud at a certain age of this adulting we are mostly masked up in hiding in what we feel out of the sole innocence that if I share,   it will flee as your insignificance I better not bother you and keep it in me so you might discover the superficials but as a profound actor darling its all artificial may be the day you feel the echo of my pounding heartbeats and trembles on all emotions from this digital sheet you would distinguish the edge of my smile lines which narrated a story that never crossed over your mind laugh it loud and have fun were the settled rules so my silly jokes for you as an observant being I am were just to view the s...

 A full circle moment of my very first posting in clinicals, started from gynae/obs and ending with pediatrics, from fetal life to development of a child. There are so many stories yet to be narrated in every bed of the patient i met except for the bits of chief complain we get to hear for diagnosis. But for some little, who doesn't know how to describe what she is going through, it just empties my heart with solace to see those little warriors battling in a room scribbled with cartoons but most importantly with a hope to win over.  Despite all those pain, being unable to narrate the story, they pass their little smiles and giggles to us, indicating how strong they are. Life feels very unfair and challenging here. They will reach through the light at the end of the tunnel, only the navigating journey seems to be a little rough.  A 4 year old girl, who was so cute, playing with her tiny green bangles of shrawan worn on her tiny hands sitting wisely, waiting for her mother ...

My first OT experience- as posted in gynae/obs i was unsure, all of a sudden i would be able to view the initial stage of someone starting his life with my naked eyes and that would forever change the world i viewed previously. Four minutes in, the baby was delivered while i rushed to the OT with a mismatched ot shoes, i heard the first cry which is not labelled as a grief but a joy. I saw somebody being a mother that day, on local aneasthesia, she had overcomed her labour pains with a joy of having the baby boy. I saw the mother being parted away where her cut open c-section was sewed again and soothed with a music "abhi abhi toh jindagi suru huwi hain". That was such a film based scene happen real to me and my eyes went wet, the way my heart felt for the scenic view of beauty of starting a life, i cannot do justice in words. With all the moment of tiny joys, there has been some shattering stories where i saw a man nearly in 30s hide his tears while going to the pharmacy, wh...

Never knew being empty and hollow was a blessing until i got myself enrolled in the happiness program of the art of living. I had this vision of having this real pursuit of happiness until i got lesson-ed that being happy in what we do was important rather than finding one. I felt like i was being the sherlock holmes my whole life and it was me detecting, finding happiness and quantifying it as immeasurable or just as a limited edition when pursued.   little reflection on my mind & me- A medical degree itself was challenging and at the end of basics I did lose all my sanity lol. I had a constant fear always hung in the bottom of my heart and it just made me so restless at points where i would be numb on what i was going through and most of the times i pretended to be who i was not and let myself feel okay when i was struggling inside. I would want to be gentle to my surrounding but i had been so harsh on myself knowing the fact that i didn't derserve kati kura that i feel ...

On this journey, we have often stumbled our way across something we got that we didn't want. It may be every flinching response of an approaching stimuli to bursts of emotions at once. As modernization has ruled all over and the world lay across our fingertips, sustainability has been vigorously smooth as well as not so even to our eyes. There is an illusion set on how we view, how it was portrayed and how it has been received. World has subjectively been divided not to only the white and the black but the different shades of grey. The atmosphere is fumed with best and the worse, and we often linger around it. We have been a slave of situation, no matter we do accept it or not. Whether it be a natural or manmade calamities, to proffesional and personal feuds, it is the dominance of the environment against us. Within this system of slavery, the only rule that will fit is the well known "the survival of the fittest" at last. Fit in, rule out and make it happen the other w...

  Let us be seated, fasten our seat-belts and travel back to the time of above. This was in Shangha- Bhaktapur Shivajee temple and i do have a vivid memory of this capture. There was a scenic view and it was on a certain height, so i was a little bit scared and then photographed. This was my favorite outfit, baba brought from Varanasi. I remember playing in slides and the fun space created for kids there. I used to love places that had special kindergarten constructed because life back then demanded those and it was the ultimate luxury. I still have few collection of my dolls, doctor set, and bhadakuti, safe and preserved. There was this subtle innocence and constant curiosity of knowing more. During loadshedding, lying on baba ko bhudi ani playing tyo nokia ko snake game or random gau khane kathas with dai. Imitating mommy, when she used to go to office, in her absence i used to dress like her and pretend i am this grown up woman. I was a teacher and doctor to mero gudiya haru, ho...

narayani ko tir tira  As a premed student, never have I thought that I would move out of the nyano comfort of  ktm valley and settle apart by own. Leaving mommy, baba and dai and just visualising the home without me ached my heart.  I will not deny the fact that I am this pampered valley girl who was exposed to less of the outrage of being on own and facing the world. Me a more shy creature, the survival instincts were really doubtful on being apart lol. Yet, the placement to a new place, Chitwan was less of choice and more of base mark from where I could unlearn things and most importantly grow out from the shelter of comforts. Chitwan, known as the medical hub of the country. My first insight to you was more farakilo roads and more of greens, pollution comparatively less. I saw hamro CMC and line of hospitals and medical centers and was convinced my future profession placement is somewhere in the right place. (the only way i could convince myself on accepting moving apa...

reflecting on the mirror now turned grey and wrinkled was once more young and dearer as there is an abundant experience sprinkled the different chapters of life created each page with a core memory of being utmost elated in the joy of this thriving symmetry where these hands is a skill to be passed and every learning is to be treasured knitting both bliss and sorrow surpassed the family made in a home of love museums of old silly tales narrated with a spark between the beloved stays forever and till the day when all these bones and muscle are brittle and have nothing in hands then recalling back to the people met and had to let go in between the gallery of moments left to settle the journey was beautiful not always on ease yet to be cherished in the bottom of the heart.

 Perhaps it would have been a little easier, if only I was a good speaker and would have let out whats constantly running inside this restless cage of the amalgamated thoughts. On the other side it just provokes with the little luxuries that i can wrap my arms around to sit sound and protect the peace within. Learning bits of neuroscience and the working of human mind, meant to be curious to further link on new synapses for new discoveries but with the concerning disease and drugs, the self made diagnosis made to oneself is a little petrifying as well. Vacancy in head is almost not possible for me to achieve, meditations to some extent does bring peace to both soul and mind which is optional as being a procrastination queen sticking to the ideology of it makes it not so comfortably achievable. Not that I have tried on this but settling to the perfection and trying to be perfectly perfect without valuing the flaws of its imperfection has led this amalgamated thoughts to sit and just...

let the grief end darling let the sorrow melt in as season of joy is arriving let the peace settle in ease a bit and give you the delicacy that you spread around dear it is not as messy as you have thought and choosing to heal is always for your better keep your circle close knit appreciate, value and cherish live live with no guilt as is shortens with nights following days like wise you will be able to find the lost light of you and as of a humble person with pure intention you have life will treat you well as you deserve so calm the nervous system soothe with what makes you utmost happy choose to vent out the darkness within you making you light in heart and head and let the void be filled with more maya and maya  from you to you and let the drive of just being amazingly better to be continued.....

Going to a University for pursuit of medicine was one of the choices not at ease. A noble profession demanding relentless hard work and discipline, pretty aware about the hardships unfolding but forever  grateful to have had this opportunity to engage in being one. Reflecting back it was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, with continuous effort of trying to be the best despite all odds, hustling up to master the undiscovered infinite potential within. Being miles apart from home was little desolating but circle of friends, seniors, hostel staffs were friendly enough to make me feel warmer like home and would admit only few of times the feeling of homesick gathered on me, other than it was all fine, heads ready to hustle. Initial days were awakening of the wanderer inside me, knowing different people from different places, learning new things, trying to be independent somewhere, having this opportunity to wear the white gown was like a stardom and all excited for a new story to...

Born and brought up in the Kathmandu Valley, I have this knitted familiarity with the buzz of the city, the people, the monuments, the culture and the everything that it shelters. There is an everlasting existence of chaos but a satisfactory level of peace settled in. As, I have moved to a different city for the pursuit of my higher education, the essence of the valley further grows to be astounding. Just a few miles, a 5 hours of drive away but still I feel like settling in a different world and draws my wandering attention to this valley where i have my heart engraved.  There is always a propagating clusters of human as the valley distributes an opportunity to thrive in. The half feet gullys of Ason is still wider for my perspective.The narrowness of the valley remains to be comfortable for me. The buzy-ness of New Road with a few steps away to monumental Basantapur is always a comfort place to visit in. Neither burning hot nor freezing cold, the sustainable weather is the most l...

 context: a poem written to express gratitude to all the stranger met along the way, still on the way and maybe lost within the way the first glance I see you,                                                                                                                             the unique feeling of being known    and perhaps knowing you, no judgments, no expectations,      its a very first meet so just some engaging conversations, stirring the likes and dislikes moreover the complexity of life, what your field of view projects and travel down the memory lane, all the fraternity of ages have different stories on different pages, seems like a m...

 From the last couple of years, joining any institute that firmly instruct on ways to meditate was somewhere always in my head, as there was this unfilled gap on my take on meditation. I would try on some guided meditation which did happen to be very helpful but somewhere I wanted to reach to people who would on my presence, supervise me and this perhaps would make me more conscious about it as well. So, I was a little unplanned and just two days before I was assure that I am going for vipassana. The comical part is I packed my belongings like I am leaving home forever. Also, it was the very first time in my 19 years of existence, leaving home to complete strangers for a week so there was this a jumble of nervousness and excitement. So, yea like any other punctual human, I was on time, a little too early as well. My mom did come to drop me because yes the two heavy bags. Then, we were waiting and I didn't know that there were little monks participating as well. I saw like little hu...

"Nepali Lok Baja Sangrahalaya" also known as Nepal's only music museum is located in Tripureshwor on the sacred premises of Tripureshwor Mahadev Mandir, the core area of Kathmandu Valley. Established in 1995 by Mr. Ram Prasad Kandel, till date it has been 28 years, still with the same resilient energy and passion, he has been committed to researching, collecting, preserving, providing space and glorifying ancient folk instruments. This museum is a dedication to his teacher Swami Akhandananda Sarswati in return as an honour to his pursuit of knowledge in meditation. Ever since, the museum is a converging home ground of around 655 types of 1200 folk instruments representing different culture and ethnic groups across the country.   The instruments are rescued from various corners of Nepal reflecting the originality of the place it was held in. Every individual instrument has its own knitted story heard when its being played and the amazing craft created on it speak volumes o...

when was the last time you were appreciated? how did you feel? did it somewhere cause any impact on you? If I have to give my take on my ability to grab any compliments from people around I get very uncomfortable. Already in my late teen era and still on how to manage my reactions, emotions it is definitely not as sane as expected. Anyways, but if I have to tell the back story on how I started this blog, all credits to the feedback that I got from my two closest friends back in mid 2022. That was the only few of times where I genuinely felt like, am I kind of okay-ish in something because I did and still do enjoy this process of writing . From then, I collectively began to sit and write the wave of thoughts in my mind and allow its continuity whenever I felt the need to pen down.  It was like a tiny harvest of hope, a beginning of something that the old Shreeya, at the very early teen era would never have thought. Being a mediocre kid from academics to extra curricular, I grew up s...

Humans, probably the most complicated creature, where there is a constant competition of being enough and wanting more. The never ending needs and desires bounds us in a circular loop having neither beginning nor end. It is also somewhere a distinctive feature that borders us from the other existing species and authorizes the crown of superiority to us. Looking back to how we humans have evolved the major factor leading and succeeding the evolution is none other than desires of wanting more for the ease in living. Thereby, from being just like any other species on earth, to we collectively and constantly have had shifted our needs for the limitless betterment we can afford. Betterment leads to comfort and we have craved comfort from the very initial stage at the birth, in the uterus itself. Uterus the first home of warmth and Placenta, serving as a gateway nourishing us when we were nothing but just an aggregate of cells and tissues welcoming an identity. Every living things, associate...