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grief beneath grace

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trash the monologue and disappear travel miles away from the desire the story of the avoidant summer not claiming the identity of Jo the local writer cause penning down shall cast my beliefs my unheard opinions but also my griefs that I try to hide out in pack of these words but you smart and sharp to hear out loud at a certain age of this adulting we are mostly masked up in hiding in what we feel out of the sole innocence that if I share,   it will flee as your insignificance I better not bother you and keep it in me so you might discover the superficials but as a profound actor darling its all artificial may be the day you feel the echo of my pounding heartbeats and trembles on all emotions from this digital sheet you would distinguish the edge of my smile lines which narrated a story that never crossed over your mind laugh it loud and have fun were the settled rules so my silly jokes for you as an observant being I am were just to view the s...
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The story of scribbled walls in pediatrics : tiny hearts

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 A full circle moment of my very first posting in clinicals, started from gynae/obs and ending with pediatrics, from fetal life to development of a child. There are so many stories yet to be narrated in every bed of the patient i met except for the bits of chief complain we get to hear for diagnosis. But for some little, who doesn't know how to describe what she is going through, it just empties my heart with solace to see those little warriors battling in a room scribbled with cartoons but most importantly with a hope to win over.  Despite all those pain, being unable to narrate the story, they pass their little smiles and giggles to us, indicating how strong they are. Life feels very unfair and challenging here. They will reach through the light at the end of the tunnel, only the navigating journey seems to be a little rough.  A 4 year old girl, who was so cute, playing with her tiny green bangles of shrawan worn on her tiny hands sitting wisely, waiting for her mother ...
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Beauty of medicine : the first cry of life

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My first OT experience- as posted in gynae/obs i was unsure, all of a sudden i would be able to view the initial stage of someone starting his life with my naked eyes and that would forever change the world i viewed previously. Four minutes in, the baby was delivered while i rushed to the OT with a mismatched ot shoes, i heard the first cry which is not labelled as a grief but a joy. I saw somebody being a mother that day, on local aneasthesia, she had overcomed her labour pains with a joy of having the baby boy. I saw the mother being parted away where her cut open c-section was sewed again and soothed with a music "abhi abhi toh jindagi suru huwi hain". That was such a film based scene happen real to me and my eyes went wet, the way my heart felt for the scenic view of beauty of starting a life, i cannot do justice in words. With all the moment of tiny joys, there has been some shattering stories where i saw a man nearly in 30s hide his tears while going to the pharmacy, wh...
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victoric breathe - art of living

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Never knew being empty and hollow was a blessing until i got myself enrolled in the happiness program of the art of living. I had this vision of having this real pursuit of happiness until i got lesson-ed that being happy in what we do was important rather than finding one. I felt like i was being the sherlock holmes my whole life and it was me detecting, finding happiness and quantifying it as immeasurable or just as a limited edition when pursued.   little reflection on my mind & me- A medical degree itself was challenging and at the end of basics I did lose all my sanity lol. I had a constant fear always hung in the bottom of my heart and it just made me so restless at points where i would be numb on what i was going through and most of the times i pretended to be who i was not and let myself feel okay when i was struggling inside. I would want to be gentle to my surrounding but i had been so harsh on myself knowing the fact that i didn't derserve kati kura that i feel ...
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humans - slaves of situation

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On this journey, we have often stumbled our way across something we got that we didn't want. It may be every flinching response of an approaching stimuli to bursts of emotions at once. As modernization has ruled all over and the world lay across our fingertips, sustainability has been vigorously smooth as well as not so even to our eyes. There is an illusion set on how we view, how it was portrayed and how it has been received. World has subjectively been divided not to only the white and the black but the different shades of grey. The atmosphere is fumed with best and the worse, and we often linger around it. We have been a slave of situation, no matter we do accept it or not. Whether it be a natural or manmade calamities, to proffesional and personal feuds, it is the dominance of the environment against us. Within this system of slavery, the only rule that will fit is the well known "the survival of the fittest" at last. Fit in, rule out and make it happen the other w...
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a letter to little shreeya

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  Let us be seated, fasten our seat-belts and travel back to the time of above. This was in Shangha- Bhaktapur Shivajee temple and i do have a vivid memory of this capture. There was a scenic view and it was on a certain height, so i was a little bit scared and then photographed. This was my favorite outfit, baba brought from Varanasi. I remember playing in slides and the fun space created for kids there. I used to love places that had special kindergarten constructed because life back then demanded those and it was the ultimate luxury. I still have few collection of my dolls, doctor set, and bhadakuti, safe and preserved. There was this subtle innocence and constant curiosity of knowing more. During loadshedding, lying on baba ko bhudi ani playing tyo nokia ko snake game or random gau khane kathas with dai. Imitating mommy, when she used to go to office, in her absence i used to dress like her and pretend i am this grown up woman. I was a teacher and doctor to mero gudiya haru, ho...
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new girl in the city

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narayani ko tir tira  As a premed student, never have I thought that I would move out of the nyano comfort of  ktm valley and settle apart by own. Leaving mommy, baba and dai and just visualising the home without me ached my heart.  I will not deny the fact that I am this pampered valley girl who was exposed to less of the outrage of being on own and facing the world. Me a more shy creature, the survival instincts were really doubtful on being apart lol. Yet, the placement to a new place, Chitwan was less of choice and more of base mark from where I could unlearn things and most importantly grow out from the shelter of comforts. Chitwan, known as the medical hub of the country. My first insight to you was more farakilo roads and more of greens, pollution comparatively less. I saw hamro CMC and line of hospitals and medical centers and was convinced my future profession placement is somewhere in the right place. (the only way i could convince myself on accepting moving apa...
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