unfiltered sess1- untitled

 Currently I am sitting at this edge of my bed peeking around the world outside, I

am scared to open my balconys door majjale cause I feel like there are some

creepy ppl staring at me while I write this and judge me ig. Well I have a plant,

planted named oxysome and its growing good. I have always loved gardening and

stuff and I had tried to manage this gardening thing of my house. But less that I

knew there were so many plants to take care of and yk my capacity is only one

and so I am distributing my entirety of love to dearest oxysome. Well I see trees

around kinda lucky that I have my house located just near some trees yep. Theyre

dancing and its therapeutic to watch, nature lover yk. And I just recovered from

being sick for straight a week after ages and I came to knew much of life.

Currently, these dogs of my locality are barking way too loud and I am having this

urge of going outside shutting their mouths off but wouldn’t do cause I am scared

of these dogs and esp loud ones. This ultimately makes me a cat type of person

because comparatively they aren’t loud in life and they simply don’t care. Okay,

leaving these animal preference conversation right here, so I am completely fine

now I can dance, wash dishes, read, write, laugh, watch cringe internet videos,

waste time. And yk I am having this fomo in life. Like idk how to explain this exact

feeling but yaa I have no friends rn literally no one to talk to and I am just in to

looking after what my priorities are. Well, I am this very confused, indecisive 18

year old who still doesn’t know what is her personality. Cause I see ppl around the

internet , less active, but still when I am, they are pretty clear and they write

INTP,ENTJ etc they are lots and what amazes me is that ppl are so loud and clear.

And here I am who never leave these 4 walls, socializes less, complaining about

not knowing ones personality. Ok, I don’t care. These three words gives an instant

pleasure rush in my impulses. Because less I care the more I am happy. But the

thing is that when youre an overthinker lifes hard in general. Like you can be

having this amazing, intelligent idea of doing smth but instantly u throw some

illogical questions and arguments to you and the ideas simply get trashed in. I

hope like in this 7 or 8 billion ppl there may be someone just like me confused,

messed, scared of everything, has atleast a humor (youre allowed to judge this

statement), and nothing.

After writing words of smth I feel like changing a paragraph and write smth which

is appealing to the reader who is me. I might dictate this in a video and post it but

yk it needs animatons, edits, lots of uninvited opinions, some subs if they want

good content haha not funny and just too much efforts yaar. My life rn has no

freaking amount of time like schedule is tight as hell and an ounce of

procrastination does bring a short term pleasure and a long term regret. But who

knows what this mysterious thing called life lays, just go w the flow, be cool or

pretend being cool, heat up an argument with these patriarchal bastards or play

safe, judge conservative ppl, bake a cake, go for a walk w your pet if not pretend

you have one, be safe from these eveteasers or dudes that try really hard to

sound cool who are actually a piece of shit (spitting reality),

 get yourself away from these stalkers or men in general, much of these

dark societal things will definitely have a talk on next few eps. Writing these

things giving me a satisfaction man like ik I should be reading physics rn but

sometimes I feel really caged man. Idk what I am doing but I do want to do smth

in life. Be a bit brave, brave enough to face disturbing opinions and tackle them,

brave enough to walk past a street full of street dogs, brave enough to do bungee

jumping.. wait.. not this overrated thing, brave enough to face some relatives,

brave enough to give up things that are pain in the ass, brave enough to be a

public speaker,brave enough to face failure and brave enough to leave the past,

less care about future and live in this present cause present is the thing who

knows when death arrives. Like the so called n number of afternoon naps that I

am having is surely decreasing my lifetime god how to avoid this? I want to live

man atleast till half century and plus ten so that I can judge myself how I was in

this whole existing process. Idk what I will be doing but I am definitely sure that I

am going to be this cool unmarried aunt probably babysitting. Ps my mom

brought eggs and popcorns I love her and I want to give her the best of life. As an

asian kid I haven’t got this sense of motivation to go upto my parents and tell how

much they mean to me and I am sustaining in this creepy world just for them.

Well I really hope that I do it once.

So I would like to give my opinions on marriage. Marriage is a concept that lets you live 

without any judgements for the label of your relationship and ofcourse lets you have this

 legal physical intimacy without any fear of societal slutshaming and more. If you

just cross mid 25s then the world revolves around you to complete yourself. 

Atleast as for south asian ppl and along with it being primary thing, you must have a kid, 

have mutual understanding, for a women leave her house get a

new mom and dad so weird, dress nice, humor normalizes abuses, households

with work, always have this happy face plastered, get into mental stress yet no

one cares, get pregnant, change body, leave for others, damn this is it. Is this life

you live which you get only for once? I might be skeptical and may be reciting all

cons of it but pros being a commitment phobic wont excite me either. I am

someone who wants to be free, independent, vent in, escape from ppl ik, just live

the way I want to, unbothered and happy. But with all this I get close to ppl which

I hate, like ik for a moment of time it can be a happy thing but for a period of

time god no. pls don’t bring these kind of ppl ever. Atleast not good for my

mental health. While I imagine myself earning atleast enough to sustain and

adopt a kid if I can look after by my own give them a life they deserve, do smth

change these sick reality for kids. Like childhood is the most precious thing and if

it passes in trauma what is the point of living in? I want to be an advocate for kids

and teach some parenting to some toxic ppl who have sex for fun, decides to have

kid, get so busy and have no time for them, and burden them for not being

outspoken, good grades and have this whole of a right to scream and pressurize

kids with a shitty line “I birthed you, you better do what I want in” . also some

kids who have to get through sexual abuse at such a young age due to their

innocence, lack of courage to speak up I want them to know the situation, fight

for it. If someone whether a stranger or someone close puts on behaviors that

you aren’t comfortable in you have this whole right to sue that person by

speaking up or in a situation to protect yourself I hope these kids better know

what to do how to handle such situations oneself. And I want todays kids to be

brave, stronger and living the life beyond screens. Connecting with real humans

arounds not just within screen caged ppl.