thoughts-my enemy or company?

When i shut my phone down and grab a book, try reading, a half an hour passes then i come to know i am just reading not learning. So, I throw myself away from that particular study space and now i am with my thoughts. My thoughts, my enemy. The number of times that I've been misguided with, where am entertained with short term pleasure and slammed myself with regrets only, false hope, and a lot more. I do have this urge of picking up my phone and get absorbed by the exterior world and just forget everything with this sweetest of fed dopamine. But then i do have this courage to gather guts to not to and just lay off with my own deepest thoughts. I don't know why i hate you but have no option rather than staying with you. Just being indecisive, low confidence and venting in from everything outside, being sensitive and antisocial being is what my thoughts crafted me to be and i couldn't ask less for being the ultimate pessimistic living. You've given me open threats and made me suicidal but my holy luck that i am still breathing to leave no stones unturned. This may sound poetic but there's no rhyme in it, this may sound cinematic but there's no camera rolling for it, this may sound like the forbidden art but still there's no beauty in it. My thoughts are dark, and they hurt me that bleeds my heart. so scientifically it is how i keep on living but emotionally it is how i keep on leaving from the current reality. The little me would never know that i would be entangled by self-created thoughts but strong enough to less care about the shit from the world. 

So, sheesh now changing the paragraph manifests the other side of story and a heroic perspective which ends up to a lot of untitled finishings. As, the darkest thunderous night has a beautiful fragrance led morning, often from my deepest darkest thoughts i ripe into this strongest happiest presence, where i completely shut all those disheartening self-made opinions and gather all those tiniest efforts which i contributed to being a good human with a good heart. Having no audience around me won't make me a loner now as i have accompanied my new grown thoughts to applaud for me and be my favorite company. From waking up to Kelly Clarkson's-"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller", to ending my day with subliminal of Marina and the diamonds. I try my best to recharge my battery for a day full of energy and positivity. But with this accepting the fact that i am a hormones and emotions filled growing teen with not a similar adrenaline pace in life on a daily basis and accepting not the robotic but the human within me that i do need some time to chill, relax my contracted muscle and bones and realizing making again a fresh restart is not a big deal is how i manifest my living to be. All those external motivation from outside would never bring an evacuated conclusion to me but yes some pretty chilled out thoughts of mine would drag me to have the best of life and acknowledge the imperfection within me. so yes conclusion-the way i perceive thoughts is how i outgrow to be.